[ Even if that had been what he meant ... he's not sure if he can be grateful for the secrets they admitted to each other. The feelings that are...
... more than strictly platonic, if he's honest with himself.
In a right state of mind, even he isn't sure he's prepared to face all that. His heart feels torn in two when he so much as thinks about it. It wasn't so long ago he was welcoming back a boy he wasn't completely sure about, but was looking forward to getting to know again ... and now everything's gone so wrong.
He thinks maybe this would be easier if he'd ever dealt with with anything like it before. But ... well, it was his own desire to never date before Cerealia, wasn't it? The empty life he'd led until Inaba, and then deciding he didn't want to leave anyone feeling hurt when he inevitably departed for Tokyo...
That's just it, really. His Shadow had touched on even deeper insecurities. Guilt he's been feeling since the jungle just about five months ago now. Everything he's been hiding even since before Cerealia, though it hadn't been as big of a deal back home.
Sometimes he's so lonely, but the only one enforcing that loneliness now is himself.
His gaze falls to the table, hooded and dark, and he doesn't look up again when he speaks. ]
I know. [ ... ] I...
[ One of his hands curls into a fist, and he withdraws it from the surface of the table, letting it fall into his lap. ]
... this is my job, [ he says softly. ] I know I can't be perfect ... but when I fail, it costs everyone so much more. You all rely on me... I hate being unable to live up to that trust.
[ This is wrenchingly hard to admit. ]
... my real mistake was in thinking I could get by without relying on you guys, too. I won't make it again. [ With somewhat more steadiness. ] I know you'll all do everything you can to make sure I don't stumble.
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... more than strictly platonic, if he's honest with himself.
In a right state of mind, even he isn't sure he's prepared to face all that. His heart feels torn in two when he so much as thinks about it. It wasn't so long ago he was welcoming back a boy he wasn't completely sure about, but was looking forward to getting to know again ... and now everything's gone so wrong.
He thinks maybe this would be easier if he'd ever dealt with with anything like it before. But ... well, it was his own desire to never date before Cerealia, wasn't it? The empty life he'd led until Inaba, and then deciding he didn't want to leave anyone feeling hurt when he inevitably departed for Tokyo...
That's just it, really. His Shadow had touched on even deeper insecurities. Guilt he's been feeling since the jungle just about five months ago now. Everything he's been hiding even since before Cerealia, though it hadn't been as big of a deal back home.
Sometimes he's so lonely, but the only one enforcing that loneliness now is himself.
His gaze falls to the table, hooded and dark, and he doesn't look up again when he speaks. ]
I know. [ ... ] I...
[ One of his hands curls into a fist, and he withdraws it from the surface of the table, letting it fall into his lap. ]
... this is my job, [ he says softly. ] I know I can't be perfect ... but when I fail, it costs everyone so much more. You all rely on me... I hate being unable to live up to that trust.
[ This is wrenchingly hard to admit. ]
... my real mistake was in thinking I could get by without relying on you guys, too. I won't make it again. [ With somewhat more steadiness. ] I know you'll all do everything you can to make sure I don't stumble.