[IC] Inbox @ cerealia

[youraffection]

yosuke hanamura

video • voice • text ❝ You've reached Yosuke! You know what to do. ❞ [ BEEP! ] action [ Available at his apartment, working, or otherwise. ]

( original code by whaleparties )

Comments

[covenantal]

[ Ah.

It was like flipping a switch... the way Yosuke went awkward again like that. Normally he might not notice it so much, or even if he did, pay it much mind -- but knowing the cause makes it impossible to ignore. He isn't sure if he regrets saying it or not. It's the truth... but he doesn't want to put Yosuke on the spot, either.

Feeling hotter than ever (though truthfully there's only a trace of color in his face), Yu glances down at his hands and nods mutely.

He won't forget. Not after this.

... what can they do to clear the air between them? This strange electric tension that fills the spaces between and around them now... it's not the way things should be, with them.

Yu masters himself enough to look up and respond normally to what Yosuke says. As normally as a statement like that permits, anyway. He looks a bit grim. ]

... it was a lot different from all the confrontations we went through together. [ He drums his fingers on the table thoughtfully. ] Without another "self" to take all those repressed feelings out on, our Shadows turned on other people.

[ Yu frowns deeply, though the way his brow draws up and together makes it more deeply thoughtful than upset. More like quietly bothered. ]

As strange as this may sound... I'm grateful for what happened. [ Yu glances up at the ceiling, his eyes far away. ] Not for involving others, of course, but ... I spent a long time denying things to myself that I needed to face.

[youraffection]

[ Their Shadows did turn on other people. That was the worst part. The things he's said not just to Yu, but to everyone else--to Naoto, to Rei...even Minato. While there was definite truth in them, they were twisted and exaggerated to show the most malicious side of his feelings and shortcomings. He's thoroughly embarrassed by it. And a little ashamed he still has kept some things so close that they could boil over and hurt others.

Rei, especially. What he'd told her...

...

It would've been better if they got to face their own Shadows again, wouldn't it? Then they could have stopped it.

But then they also wouldn't have--

I'm grateful for what happened. ]

Huh?

[ It breaks Yosuke out of his thoughts with a confused frown. What does he mean?

I spent a long time denying things to myself that I needed to face.

Ah...denial. That's a word that Yosuke doesn't want to entertain at all. Because denial would mean that there's something there to deny rather than just being totally off base. What his own Shadow had said to Yu, parts of it he knows are true. Yu has always been different. He never wanted him to go. He has to own up to getting a sad sense of satisfaction knowing that at least he can be with Yu here. But some of the other things are less easy to comprehend.

Or rather, accept. ]

...Y-Yeah?

[ Yosuke swallows.

Is he going to talk about...about that... ]

...

[ No...it's not just about him.

How can you look up to me as a leader if you know what a failure I am?

What would I do without my bonds? I'd be alone. I can't be alone again.

I'm so needy that I'll accept it no matter what, just to keep you with me. ]

...You're...not a failure, you know...Nobody thinks that.

[covenantal]

[ Even if that had been what he meant ... he's not sure if he can be grateful for the secrets they admitted to each other. The feelings that are...

... more than strictly platonic, if he's honest with himself.

In a right state of mind, even he isn't sure he's prepared to face all that. His heart feels torn in two when he so much as thinks about it. It wasn't so long ago he was welcoming back a boy he wasn't completely sure about, but was looking forward to getting to know again ... and now everything's gone so wrong.

He thinks maybe this would be easier if he'd ever dealt with with anything like it before. But ... well, it was his own desire to never date before Cerealia, wasn't it? The empty life he'd led until Inaba, and then deciding he didn't want to leave anyone feeling hurt when he inevitably departed for Tokyo...

That's just it, really. His Shadow had touched on even deeper insecurities. Guilt he's been feeling since the jungle just about five months ago now. Everything he's been hiding even since before Cerealia, though it hadn't been as big of a deal back home.

Sometimes he's so lonely, but the only one enforcing that loneliness now is himself.

His gaze falls to the table, hooded and dark, and he doesn't look up again when he speaks. ]

I know. [ ... ] I...

[ One of his hands curls into a fist, and he withdraws it from the surface of the table, letting it fall into his lap. ]

... this is my job, [ he says softly. ] I know I can't be perfect ... but when I fail, it costs everyone so much more. You all rely on me... I hate being unable to live up to that trust.

[ This is wrenchingly hard to admit. ]

... my real mistake was in thinking I could get by without relying on you guys, too. I won't make it again. [ With somewhat more steadiness. ] I know you'll all do everything you can to make sure I don't stumble.