yosuke ❝gay thoughts caught me❞ hanamura (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
youraffection) wrote2016-05-21 11:06 pm
youraffection) wrote2016-05-21 11:06 pm
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cerealia
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video • voice • text ❝ You've reached Yosuke! You know what to do. ❞ [ BEEP! ] action [ Available at his apartment, working, or otherwise. ] 
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no subject
He shakes his head again, more insistently this time. ]
If you're selfish, so am I. I ... I didn't want to leave.
[ He's never said that before. Not to anyone. ]
... Yosuke ... when the time comes for that, we'll find a way. For me, two months have gone by since I left Inaba... we talk all the time. [ A small smile, barely there, actually manages to curl up one corner of his mouth. ] It's made me feel a lot better about transitioning back to the city.
[ Yu pauses then, his smile fading as he looks down at the table. ]
You know ... for a long time, I always wondered why I was able to have my Persona without having faced my Shadow. It felt ... unfair. [ He cants his head slightly, not looking up. ] You all bared your souls, and accepted yourselves... you were amazing. But me ... I had my power just like that, without having to try. Why was I so different? It felt...
[ Lonely is the word he doesn't say, because it sounds ungrateful. But the sentiment is there in the corners of his eyes. In the end, he simply shakes his head. ]
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...Really?
[ Of course they do. Do they already do, but he still worried. He worried because he's finally got someone so important to him, he's got a best friend, and the thought of losing that, however improbable, is enough to be scary. Yosuke actually huffs in a small bout of amused self-deprecation. ]
I mean...that makes me sound surprised, huh? I know it's dumb and I know you wouldn't forget about us or anything, but I couldn't stop thinking about what if you just moved on. Stupid, right?
[ He shakes his head. ]
I know you're not that kind of person.
[ It does sort of feel nice to get that out in the open, though. He hasn't wanted to say anything because of looking selfish and making it seem like he was doubting Yu's sincerity. No, the insecurity is solely from Yosuke, thinking about all the "friends" he has before and lost pretty quickly once he moved. But Yu's different. They're all different now.
But now he needs to listen as Yu talks about his Shadow, or lack thereof. Yosuke frowns slightly. ]
...I'm not gonna lie, I was kind of jealous at first. [ If they're being honest with themselves, now. ] I just figured you were that good. But...that's not all it is, is it? We had to face ourselves, but you've got--you've got so much to manage. If our Shadows become our Persona, what would you have had to do, face a hundred of them?
[ He shakes his head. ]
That would've been unfair.
[ There's a pause as a somewhat rueful smile threatens to come out. He shifts his gaze to the napkin. ]
Nah, after thinking about it, I thought it was kind of...I don't know, fitting? That it worked a little different for you. When we first met you helped me out then, and once we got into the TV world, it was you who had to make sure we didn't get eaten by giant balls with mouths. You're always looking out for people. I always wanted to be a hero, but I realized that your power came from the desire to protect people. That's not a bad thing, is it?
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It's not dumb. It was a relief to me, too.
[ He was friendless before Inaba. He didn't want to go back to a life like that, ever. To a sterile life of loneliness, with his parents never around, and no companionship at school... just drifting blankly through his own life--
Never again.
He listens quietly as Yosuke explains his own take on Yu's power, his personas... It's hard not to remember Izanami, claiming ownership of him, in a way - taking responsibility for nudging his power into awakening. Yu tilts his head, huffing through his nose and looking down at the table before he looks up at Yosuke again. ]
You're not wrong. Keeping all of you safe... that was always my highest priority. But there's no denying my power only woke up because of what Izanami did. [ His mouth pulls briefly into a line. ] When I learned the truth about that... to be honest, I was a little chilled. Knowing that Namatame, Adachi-san, and I all had something in common like that...
[ ... what did that say about him? As a person?
Just that he had potential? Or that ... he was like those two men, in some way?
Adachi... ]
... I'm glad I had all of you with me. [ With real, gentle sincerity. There's a great wealth of feeling in his quiet voice. ] It's because of your friendship that I was able to stay on the right path.
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...Something in common?
[ He looks incredulous.
Has that really what Yu's been thinking this whole time? it had only been a day ago for Yosuke back home, but for Yu it's been much longer. He's really been thinking...that he could have turned into those two? How could Yosuke have not realized? ]
...You really think that, huh?
[ Yosuke is a little lost for a moment, trying to gather his thoughts into a proper order. ]
You're acting like your power is all Izanami's doing...she woke it up in you, didn't she? She didn't create it. [ Or is that just how Yosuke wants to see him? Yosuke shifts in his seat before locking his eyes with Yu's. ] Dude...you were never going to end up like them because you're not that kind of person. You're still you.
no subject
Of course Yosuke believes in him... then again, all his friends did, didn't they? At the end. That was what had given him the power to push back against Izanami and save everyone, after all.
But how could he not think about it? The things Adachi had said, the kind of person Namatame had been... after all, hadn't Namatame wanted to save everyone, too? Even if he'd become deluded in his pursuit, his original goals were noble, and Adachi had just taken advantage of him to play a sick game...
Adachi is ... still, even now, one of his bonds. Something he won't let go of. If that man can play by the rules of this world...
You're still you.
Yu finally smiles, faintly hangdog though it is. ]
I'm sorry. I shouldn't need this kind of reassurance... it's alright. What's important ... is how much of my strength comes from my bonds. ... from you.
[ Admitting that makes him feel a little hot all over, though he does a good job of not showing it. Of the Personas he has here, he may not have Mada... but he doesn't need the ultimate Persona of the Magician arcana as a reminder of his bond with Yosuke. Not with Yosuke right here. Warm and real and in front of him...
I just don't wanna admit it because then it'd be like I'd accept that I could be that way. ]
no subject
He begins to shake his head, waiving off Yu's apology. He's not looking for reassurance but Yosuke is there to give it. That's what partners are about, right? To remind each other what's important. Though before he can comment on it, well...he does catch the weight of the last couple of words.
...from you.
Oh.
Yeah. It's not exactly talking about the nature of his show, now, is it?
That's...something they're going to have to address eventually. Yosuke's gaze drops back down to the table and he starts to bounce one of his legs again, nervous energy needing an outlet. ]
Y-Yeah...as long as you...don't forget that and stuff.
[ Way to make this awkward all over again. He's not at all sure how to slide into this topic or if he even really wants to. But tiptoeing around Yu, he can't do that forever. The distance between them is too much--probably negligible to most, but to Yosuke it feels like a mile. It just doesn't feel right. ]
Still--'s...a lot different seeing a Shadow and actually being one...
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It was like flipping a switch... the way Yosuke went awkward again like that. Normally he might not notice it so much, or even if he did, pay it much mind -- but knowing the cause makes it impossible to ignore. He isn't sure if he regrets saying it or not. It's the truth... but he doesn't want to put Yosuke on the spot, either.
Feeling hotter than ever (though truthfully there's only a trace of color in his face), Yu glances down at his hands and nods mutely.
He won't forget. Not after this.
... what can they do to clear the air between them? This strange electric tension that fills the spaces between and around them now... it's not the way things should be, with them.
Yu masters himself enough to look up and respond normally to what Yosuke says. As normally as a statement like that permits, anyway. He looks a bit grim. ]
... it was a lot different from all the confrontations we went through together. [ He drums his fingers on the table thoughtfully. ] Without another "self" to take all those repressed feelings out on, our Shadows turned on other people.
[ Yu frowns deeply, though the way his brow draws up and together makes it more deeply thoughtful than upset. More like quietly bothered. ]
As strange as this may sound... I'm grateful for what happened. [ Yu glances up at the ceiling, his eyes far away. ] Not for involving others, of course, but ... I spent a long time denying things to myself that I needed to face.
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Rei, especially. What he'd told her...
...
It would've been better if they got to face their own Shadows again, wouldn't it? Then they could have stopped it.
But then they also wouldn't have--
I'm grateful for what happened. ]
Huh?
[ It breaks Yosuke out of his thoughts with a confused frown. What does he mean?
I spent a long time denying things to myself that I needed to face.
Ah...denial. That's a word that Yosuke doesn't want to entertain at all. Because denial would mean that there's something there to deny rather than just being totally off base. What his own Shadow had said to Yu, parts of it he knows are true. Yu has always been different. He never wanted him to go. He has to own up to getting a sad sense of satisfaction knowing that at least he can be with Yu here. But some of the other things are less easy to comprehend.
Or rather, accept. ]
...Y-Yeah?
[ Yosuke swallows.
Is he going to talk about...about that... ]
...
[ No...it's not just about him.
How can you look up to me as a leader if you know what a failure I am?
What would I do without my bonds? I'd be alone. I can't be alone again.
I'm so needy that I'll accept it no matter what, just to keep you with me. ]
...You're...not a failure, you know...Nobody thinks that.
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... more than strictly platonic, if he's honest with himself.
In a right state of mind, even he isn't sure he's prepared to face all that. His heart feels torn in two when he so much as thinks about it. It wasn't so long ago he was welcoming back a boy he wasn't completely sure about, but was looking forward to getting to know again ... and now everything's gone so wrong.
He thinks maybe this would be easier if he'd ever dealt with with anything like it before. But ... well, it was his own desire to never date before Cerealia, wasn't it? The empty life he'd led until Inaba, and then deciding he didn't want to leave anyone feeling hurt when he inevitably departed for Tokyo...
That's just it, really. His Shadow had touched on even deeper insecurities. Guilt he's been feeling since the jungle just about five months ago now. Everything he's been hiding even since before Cerealia, though it hadn't been as big of a deal back home.
Sometimes he's so lonely, but the only one enforcing that loneliness now is himself.
His gaze falls to the table, hooded and dark, and he doesn't look up again when he speaks. ]
I know. [ ... ] I...
[ One of his hands curls into a fist, and he withdraws it from the surface of the table, letting it fall into his lap. ]
... this is my job, [ he says softly. ] I know I can't be perfect ... but when I fail, it costs everyone so much more. You all rely on me... I hate being unable to live up to that trust.
[ This is wrenchingly hard to admit. ]
... my real mistake was in thinking I could get by without relying on you guys, too. I won't make it again. [ With somewhat more steadiness. ] I know you'll all do everything you can to make sure I don't stumble.