youraffection | [IC] Inbox @ recolle

[ Yosuke just...stares.

No. He's not fine. But he's also not talking about it. Yu doesn't always like to talk about whatever's going on his head right away, but...it's been a while. He'd tried to cheer him up a bit on New Year's Eve by just saying in and being close, but even then, he...

Hm. ]

...Okay, well, it's friggin' freezing outside. Can we close the window?

[ There's a long pause followed by a short sigh. He closes the window with a liiiittle more force than is strictly necessary. ]

I'm going downstairs.

[ Whoa there. Yosuke jumps a little on the bed, eyes wide. He wasn't really expecting that. Yu isn't really known for being...sulky like this. ]

Because I asked you to close the window? Dude...c'mon.

That has nothing to do with -- anything!

[ Yu never raises his voice. Not ever. The single sole time Yosuke would have ever heard him snap at someone this way ... was at Souji, in the hospital, after the accident.

The instant the last word is out of his mouth he freezes. Without really thinking about it he leans against the wall, burying his face in one hand. Much more quietly: ]

I ... I'm sorry, I didn't mean ...

[ He really jumps at that.

Then freezes.

Yu...no, Yu never raises his voice. Ever. Only once. And never at Yosuke. If anything, he's used to Yu being too kind, too fond of him in almost any given circumstance. Even when he'd been upset over Ryoji, Yosuke had been able to pull him out of it. This is...just unlike him.

He's hesitant, even after seeing Yu kind of pull into himself against the wall. But after a moment, Yosuke scoots off the edge of the bed. ]

Hey...

[ And then stands up. ]

...I know...I know you didn't.

[ He doesn't touch Yu, more worried that he's going to jump or spook him, but does stand close, his hand hovering between them. ]

D'you wanna sit down with me...?

[ It takes a long moment for Yu to unfold himself from the wall. When he does, he reaches out and wordlessly pulls Yosuke into his arms, quickly hiding his face in his boyfriend's shoulder.

But he might not have been quick enough to hide the way his eyes were wet. ]

[ No, it really wasn't.

Yosuke is on high alert. He's known something was up, but this? What is it? The warning Souji had given him really hadn't been enough.

He doesn't hesitate to wrap his arms around Yu in return, one hand slipping up through his hair, the other running comforting circles on his back. ]

Hey. Hey, it's okay.

It's not, [ he whispers, holding Yosuke tight and trying to control his breathing. ] I'm not ... I'm not the person I thought I was. I'm just...

[ Slowly he shakes his head, holding Yosuke all the tighter, as if he's frightened of what will happen if he lets go. ]

[ Not the person he thought he was? Like...how he's acting? Yosuke doesn't quite get it, but he's not sure if it's because he's missing some important information or because what Yu is saying actually doesn't make sense. So he just keeps rubbing his back and places a few kisses to the crown of his head. ]

What do you mean...?

[ Those little kisses... such casual expressions of affection... it feels like they could tear him to pieces. They're not meant for someone like him-- ]

I didn't catch the killer.

[ his voice is rough. ]

Souji did. Souji remembers fixing everything. Our memories are ... totally different. Where he succeeded, I ... failed.

[ That... ]

...Huh?

[ That doesn't make sense. Not at all. Yosuke just figured they all had holes in their memories that would line up eventually. That's how it's been going thus far, isn't it? ]

...Are you sure? I'm not saying Souji's lying or anything, but maybe you guys are just remembering different parts.

I'm sure, [ he murmurs, with the quiet resignation of the damned. ]

We both remember the same moment, now. Leaving Inaba. But in his memory everyone is there, the sun is shining, Nanako and Dojima-San are there... and there's no fog.

Yosuke, I ... I never caught him. I failed the team and my family. I...

Yu...

[ Yosuke pulls back then, but not away--just enough so he can lift Yu's head up and look him in the eyes, if the other boy will allow him.

He shakes his head. ]

It's--it's just one part. You don't know that you don't come back later and--

[ Yu lets him. But there's a very grim set to his face. ]

And what, bring Nanako back from the dead?

[ His quiet voice is laced with a venom meant only for himself. ]

Nanako wasn't there in my memory. And I can't... I can't fix that. Even if I came back months later, what could I possibly change? The case would be closed. There'd be no way for us to catch Adachi after so long.

[ With a stony expression, Yu pushes Yosuke away. ]

I'm not the person in your memories. Souji is.

[ He knows it's not helping because Yu has a point. Is that really what happened to Nanako? Yosuke shakes his head again, but says nothing. Repeating "you don't know that" isn't really offering any comfort, because honestly Yosuke doesn't know, either. He remembers the least out of everyone. He'd just assumed-- ]

--Yu!

[ He stumbles back a step, expression fallen, confused. ]

You can't just...

[ Can't just...what? Draw his own conclusions? Feel guilty? Telling him not to seems unfair. Yosuke's left grasping for whatever words are willing to come out. ]

--Even if that's true--...

[ Yu leans against the wall, arms folded, chin down. His body language couldn't possibly be more closed off, his face wiped clean of expression. ]

... Souji is the real leader. If you're bothered, talk to him. I can't help you.

[ No real inflection. He'll use this moment to try and brush past Yosuke, clearly intending to leave. ]

[ Yosuke won't let him. It's instinctive how he reaches out, his heart lurching up into his throat. Don't leave. Don't do this. Don't leave me. He grabs Yu's arm probably a little harder than he meant to. ]

Stop it!

[ Yu's shoulders twitch at the shout. He doesn't try to pull his arm from Yosuke's grip, but he also doesn't look at him.

Very softly: ]

Why? I'm not the right one.

[ I'm not the right twin. ]

[ While Yu's voice is soft, Yosuke's is too loud in the quiet room. ]

I don't care!

[ He holds on, refusing to let go. Like he knows Yu will try to slip away both metaphorically and literally if he does. ]

I don't care if I see Souji in those memories!

[ He's finally calling them memories, not visions. That seems to the be prevailing theory, anyway. ]

Right now I'm looking at you.

[ Right now I'm looking at you.

Yu draws a slow, ragged breath. ]

Why? The person that I am... failed to catch a killer and let a little girl die. You shouldn't want...

[ me. anything to do with me. ]

Yu!

[ God, he just wants to shake him. ]

You keep saying "I am" like you just did this yesterday. These are, what, memories from another life or reality or something? That doesn't mean they're you now, even if they were true then! You're not even the same person you were six months ago, let alone in some alternate universe.

[ His expression darkens a little, but he refuses to look away. ]

If...If we're really gonna start defining ourselves on the actions that we may or may not remember...then I'm right there fucking with you. That girl, Saki? I watched her die. Hell, in my gut I knew it was her, I knew she needed help, but I didn't do a damn thing about it. Is it because I knew she didn't like me? Or because people at that job were making fun of me because I liked her? I don't know.

[ That's how Yosuke understands the situation, at least. ]

If that's true, then that's a pretty shitty reason. Do you think I'm that kind of person, Yu?

[ At first Yu doesn't react. Arguments about why everything that happened aren't his fault don't really seem to sway him.

It's not till Yosuke starts implicating himself that Yu looks back, horrified. ]

No, I ... you're not ...

[ a long, breathless moment, and he looks away. ]

... what am I supposed to do? I don't ... know who I am.

[ Yosuke lets go, then, but only so he can cup Yu's face in his hands, forcing the other boy to look at him. He's quiet for a moment and smooths his thumbs over Yu's cheekbones. ]

...I don't know what you're supposed to do.

[ He exhales slowly, heavily. ]

I don't know what any of us are supposed to do. But I know who you are--you're Yu Narukami, one of the smartest, most kind...open-minded, thoughtful--...hottest-- [ Definitely that. ] --strangest people I've met. And that's pretty awesome. That's the Yu I know and that's the Yu that's here and the only one that really matters, at the end of the day. You're special to me...no matter what else we do or don't remember.

[ A small smile. ]

And there's no way in hell you get to decide what or who I want.

[ Yu keeps his quiet, clearly at a loss for words, but at some point he lifts his hands to circle fingers around Yosuke's wrists. Not to lower his boyfriend's hands or push him away, but just to ... hold on.

And when Yosuke smiles at him -- after everything he's said and done tonight -- his eyes flood with tears. ]

I'm ... I'm sorry--

[ He'll take the quiet, carefully watching for any subtle changes in Yu's expression. He's never been dramatic, never terribly open, so Yosuke has learned to read the slight twitches, the downturn of his lips, the furrow of his brow to mean more than what they may seem.

When Yu doesn't force him away, it's relief.

But when Yu starts to cry, his reaction is immediate-- ]

Hey...

[ He let's go of Yu's face to wrap his arms around Yu's shoulders, pulling him close and bringing his head to the crook of Yosuke's neck, like Yu tends to do on his own. It's a safe, welcome place ]

Don't...--no, I'm sorry that you're...that this is hurting you so bad. You're a good person, Yu. You deserve to feel like one.

[IC] Inbox @ recolle

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My love is aaalll I haaaaaaaave to giiiiiiiiive

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