youraffection | [IC] Inbox @ cerealia

[ Yu only shakes his head, his smile kind but quietly nervous at the edges. ]

It's alright. I don't mind.

[ He wasn't hungry for most of the day. He hasn't felt hungry much in the days since everything quieted down.

...

God, they're both a mess right now, aren't they? Yosuke's nerves are starting to infect Yu. Normally that wouldn't get to him, but right now... ]

Actually, I haven't. I've passed it by a few times, but never come in.

[ He'd ... wanted to come with-- well.

Yu glances at the menu himself, barely seeing it. ]

It just seemed interesting.

[ Yu's not a complainer. If he minded he wouldn't say it.

Why is Yosuke thinking like that? It shouldn't matter. He trusts Yu to be honest with him and...the last time...they were maybe a little too honest. Too honest with things he hadn't even known or refused to think about. It's been...

...

He looks down at the menu with more intent, though his attention still strays. ]

...Well, the pictures look good.

[ Gah, that sounds lame. He glances up over the edge at Yu as he shifts in his seat. ]

...Thanks...by the way.

[ A beat. ]

For, uh...asking me and stuff.

[ Hopefully Yu will know that he does want to be here even if...he doesn't want to be there. But really, he does! With Yu. Like always. It's complicated. ]

[ Yosuke... Yosuke is a complainer. But not ... necessarily about things like this. He's a people pleaser as much as he is a complainer. Someone who will bitch endlessly, but flip on a dime to apologize and joke around and lighten the mood. It's the contradictions inherent to someone like him... who wants things to go his way, who gets bored easily, and who fears being alone -- but who also wants everything to work out for the best, for the people around him to be happy, to do everything he can to make situations right.

Yosuke probably doesn't want to be here as much as he does want to be here. Yu knows his friend well enough to know that.

A surprised laugh escapes Yu on a quiet huff of breath when Yosuke comments about the pictures. It's ... true. But it's also the kind of comment that really makes it obvious how painfully awkward this situation is. Yu is feeling the same way. He's just not prone to idle chatter like Yosuke is.

His expression is a little softer and a little more sincere when he nods. ]

Of course. I...

[ He pauses for a bit. Whatever he's thinking, it makes the tips of his ears flush red, and he shifts in his seat. The look on his face shifts into something determined. ]

You're my best friend, Yosuke. I'm always going to want to spend time with you.

[ Yosuke notices that as well. Even when he's not looking directly at Yu, he's always aware of him. Of the way things shift and move around him, of how he moves, whether he's silent or sighing quietly. Yosuke is practically tuned in to Yu's very energy. In battle it makes things easier, in day to day life it just makes them close. But now, he wonders if he's a little too invested.

It doesn't feel wrong though, even if noticing the subtle pink tint to the cuffs of his ears makes his own grown a little hot. Geez. ]

Y-Yeah... [ He swallows, straightening. ] Me too...

[ Which is why they're together now. With a whole lot hanging over their heads. But...re-establishing that does help a bit. ]

Do y--

[ And, of course, right on cue a server comes over to help them. ]

Are you boys ready to order?

[ Ah... now Yosuke's ears are pink too. More self-conscious than ever, Yu keeps his trap shut as Yosuke tries to find words, his expression a little wondering. He sits up a little straighter as Yosuke starts to ask something--

--and then actually startles when their server come over. For someone as unflappable as Yu Narukami, that's really telling. A bit pink in the face from embarrassment, he smiles at her and nods. He points to an item on the menu and requests it politely, trying to ignore the way he can now feel his heartbeat going just a little quicker than normal in his throat and fingertips.

Once the server's gotten both their orders and departed, Yu clears his throat. ]

You were saying something?

[ Order? Shit. Yu makes his decision and Yosuke kind of frantically looks back over the menu and ends up picking Belgian waffles, because he's heard of that before. Everything looks tasty, so he can't lose, right?

But once they're alone again, Yosuke looks a little nervous. ]

Uh, well...

[ He rubs the back of his neck. They have to talk about what happened, right? ]

...I'm...not actually sure where to start...

[ ... man ... that moment was lost, huh?

Yu nods, which is in part a motion to cover his own uncertainty. Quietly, truthfully: ]

... Me either.

[ It's a raw admission for him. It's so rare for Yu to ever admit uncertainty, even if he expresses it in other ways, small ways. If he shows it at all.

He takes a steadying, calming breath. ]

I want you to know, Yosuke... what I said before is still true. Nothing has to change between us.

[ His tone is so ... careful. ]

... I'm still ...

[ This hesitance is so unlike him.

But he's still ...

... Minato ... ]

[ Really, for all the words that Yosuke seems to be able to come up with to fill all the pockets of silence, they're escaping him. Where does he start? ]

Yeah...

[ Nothing has to change.

But something already has, hasn't it? Awareness in and of itself is a factor. They can't go back to before it all happened. ]

I know that we weren't exactly ourselves, but...

[ But they still were, kind of. Shadows are an exaggeration, but not entirely inaccurate. That's the scary part. Yosuke drops his gaze to the table as his hands form loose fists. ]

I mean...you know what I mean...

[ The breath Yu pulls in is stilted and somehow painful. Not even in a physical way. In his core. Somewhere deeper.

And then he shakes his head. ]

Yeah. I know. And that means ... we were ourselves. Just... the darkest parts.

[ God. And what does that say? That he could only admit that he might still have feelings for his best friend when he was composed of only his most twisted feelings. Everything he'd been trying so hard to suppress. ]

... we may not have been able to accept our own Shadows this time, but that just means we'll have to figure out a way to accept each other.

[ The darkest parts.

Yeah. That's it, isn't it?

But...being Yu's friend...and really caring about him aren't bad things, are they? Is thoughts had been twisted and construed into something, but the core was still there. Yu does matter to him. A lot. He's always watching, always keeping pace.

He can accept Yu, but can he actually accept himself this time? ]

...Yeah...I know I sounded like a psycho...

You didn't. [ Yu isn't smiling, but his voice is made a little lighter through conviction. ]

All Shadows sound like that. Mine did, too. And the things you were talking about... were your fears and concerns. Everyone has those. ... you saw for yourself that I do, too. [ Somewhat more softly. ]

You're still you, Yosuke. Nothing about what happened has changed the way I think about you.

[ He catches himself at the last second from saying "feel." "Feel about you" ... is a possibly dangerous thing to say, right now. Even though he'd mean it completely platonically... it just doesn't feel worthwhile to go there. ]

[ Oh boy. He sure did.

Yu hadn't had a Shadow, or at least not one that needed to be encountered. He'd come by his abilities so quickly and easily that Yosuke had initially been jealous. He knows that it's not a reflection of his inner psyche, though. Circumstances brought that forward--Yu has thoughts and feelings he doesn't want to voice anymore than the rest of them do. He's just extra good at hiding it.

But he's not sure how to take that. What he thinks about Yosuke...that's something that's been on his mind pretty much since he'd lived through Yu's memory. That knowledge of what might be, lurking in the recesses of his mind. That same possibility peaking through when Yu told Yosuke that they'd kissed. And now, with their Shadows-- ]

It was kind of weird only 'cause you never had a Shadow before, heh heh.

[ --does he...have to face it now? Is he even ready for that? Yosuke swallows. There's so much to wade through here. ]

He...I was right...so much shit has happened here but I've been okay in the end because of you, because of everyone, but--like...back home you're gone. Here you're not. I know that shouldn't make what's going on any easier...I know that's selfish of me. And it's not like--

[ Who gets this obsessed with their best friend? How sad were our lives that we clung to the first person who cared about us and haven't let go since?

He swallows again. ]

--...like it would've been the end of the world.

[ Yu's mouth opens, but no words come out. There's something about his face, something -- vulnerable, more open than usual. Maybe because, even on a subconscious level, he knows now there's no point in trying to hide. Maybe he's just not doing a good job controlling his face under this much duress. Whatever it is, he's much easier to read than usual.

He shakes his head again, more insistently this time. ]

If you're selfish, so am I. I ... I didn't want to leave.

[ He's never said that before. Not to anyone. ]

... Yosuke ... when the time comes for that, we'll find a way. For me, two months have gone by since I left Inaba... we talk all the time. [ A small smile, barely there, actually manages to curl up one corner of his mouth. ] It's made me feel a lot better about transitioning back to the city.

[ Yu pauses then, his smile fading as he looks down at the table. ]

You know ... for a long time, I always wondered why I was able to have my Persona without having faced my Shadow. It felt ... unfair. [ He cants his head slightly, not looking up. ] You all bared your souls, and accepted yourselves... you were amazing. But me ... I had my power just like that, without having to try. Why was I so different? It felt...

[ Lonely is the word he doesn't say, because it sounds ungrateful. But the sentiment is there in the corners of his eyes. In the end, he simply shakes his head. ]

[ Yosuke seems to perk up just a bit at that. They talk all the time? ]

...Really?

[ Of course they do. Do they already do, but he still worried. He worried because he's finally got someone so important to him, he's got a best friend, and the thought of losing that, however improbable, is enough to be scary. Yosuke actually huffs in a small bout of amused self-deprecation. ]

I mean...that makes me sound surprised, huh? I know it's dumb and I know you wouldn't forget about us or anything, but I couldn't stop thinking about what if you just moved on. Stupid, right?

[ He shakes his head. ]

I know you're not that kind of person.

[ It does sort of feel nice to get that out in the open, though. He hasn't wanted to say anything because of looking selfish and making it seem like he was doubting Yu's sincerity. No, the insecurity is solely from Yosuke, thinking about all the "friends" he has before and lost pretty quickly once he moved. But Yu's different. They're all different now.

But now he needs to listen as Yu talks about his Shadow, or lack thereof. Yosuke frowns slightly. ]

...I'm not gonna lie, I was kind of jealous at first. [ If they're being honest with themselves, now. ] I just figured you were that good. But...that's not all it is, is it? We had to face ourselves, but you've got--you've got so much to manage. If our Shadows become our Persona, what would you have had to do, face a hundred of them?

[ He shakes his head. ]

That would've been unfair.

[ There's a pause as a somewhat rueful smile threatens to come out. He shifts his gaze to the napkin. ]

Nah, after thinking about it, I thought it was kind of...I don't know, fitting? That it worked a little different for you. When we first met you helped me out then, and once we got into the TV world, it was you who had to make sure we didn't get eaten by giant balls with mouths. You're always looking out for people. I always wanted to be a hero, but I realized that your power came from the desire to protect people. That's not a bad thing, is it?

[ Yu shakes his head slowly, his smile a little touched at the corners. ]

It's not dumb. It was a relief to me, too.

[ He was friendless before Inaba. He didn't want to go back to a life like that, ever. To a sterile life of loneliness, with his parents never around, and no companionship at school... just drifting blankly through his own life--

Never again.

He listens quietly as Yosuke explains his own take on Yu's power, his personas... It's hard not to remember Izanami, claiming ownership of him, in a way - taking responsibility for nudging his power into awakening. Yu tilts his head, huffing through his nose and looking down at the table before he looks up at Yosuke again. ]

You're not wrong. Keeping all of you safe... that was always my highest priority. But there's no denying my power only woke up because of what Izanami did. [ His mouth pulls briefly into a line. ] When I learned the truth about that... to be honest, I was a little chilled. Knowing that Namatame, Adachi-san, and I all had something in common like that...

[ ... what did that say about him? As a person?

Just that he had potential? Or that ... he was like those two men, in some way?

Adachi... ]

... I'm glad I had all of you with me. [ With real, gentle sincerity. There's a great wealth of feeling in his quiet voice. ] It's because of your friendship that I was able to stay on the right path.

[ Yosuke's eyes widened a little at that admission. He'd been there when it was all laid bare, the final answer beneath all the half-truths and full on lies. It had been a goddess bent on proving that humanity is as bad as it might seem given the opportunity. But Yu disproved that. ]

...Something in common?

[ He looks incredulous.

Has that really what Yu's been thinking this whole time? it had only been a day ago for Yosuke back home, but for Yu it's been much longer. He's really been thinking...that he could have turned into those two? How could Yosuke have not realized? ]

...You really think that, huh?

[ Yosuke is a little lost for a moment, trying to gather his thoughts into a proper order. ]

You're acting like your power is all Izanami's doing...she woke it up in you, didn't she? She didn't create it. [ Or is that just how Yosuke wants to see him? Yosuke shifts in his seat before locking his eyes with Yu's. ] Dude...you were never going to end up like them because you're not that kind of person. You're still you.

[ There's something awfully vulnerable about Yu's expression as he listens to that, even moreso than a moment ago.

Of course Yosuke believes in him... then again, all his friends did, didn't they? At the end. That was what had given him the power to push back against Izanami and save everyone, after all.

But how could he not think about it? The things Adachi had said, the kind of person Namatame had been... after all, hadn't Namatame wanted to save everyone, too? Even if he'd become deluded in his pursuit, his original goals were noble, and Adachi had just taken advantage of him to play a sick game...

Adachi is ... still, even now, one of his bonds. Something he won't let go of. If that man can play by the rules of this world...

You're still you.

Yu finally smiles, faintly hangdog though it is. ]

I'm sorry. I shouldn't need this kind of reassurance... it's alright. What's important ... is how much of my strength comes from my bonds. ... from you.

[ Admitting that makes him feel a little hot all over, though he does a good job of not showing it. Of the Personas he has here, he may not have Mada... but he doesn't need the ultimate Persona of the Magician arcana as a reminder of his bond with Yosuke. Not with Yosuke right here. Warm and real and in front of him...

I just don't wanna admit it because then it'd be like I'd accept that I could be that way. ]

[ Yosuke won't pretend that they, as a group, worked together towards the better end. But he can't just sit and let Yu diminish his own self-worth, either. As far as Yosuke is concerned, there's no way Yu could have been like that. At all.

He begins to shake his head, waiving off Yu's apology. He's not looking for reassurance but Yosuke is there to give it. That's what partners are about, right? To remind each other what's important. Though before he can comment on it, well...he does catch the weight of the last couple of words.

...from you.

Oh.

Yeah. It's not exactly talking about the nature of his show, now, is it?

That's...something they're going to have to address eventually. Yosuke's gaze drops back down to the table and he starts to bounce one of his legs again, nervous energy needing an outlet. ]

Y-Yeah...as long as you...don't forget that and stuff.

[ Way to make this awkward all over again. He's not at all sure how to slide into this topic or if he even really wants to. But tiptoeing around Yu, he can't do that forever. The distance between them is too much--probably negligible to most, but to Yosuke it feels like a mile. It just doesn't feel right. ]

Still--'s...a lot different seeing a Shadow and actually being one...

[ Ah.

It was like flipping a switch... the way Yosuke went awkward again like that. Normally he might not notice it so much, or even if he did, pay it much mind -- but knowing the cause makes it impossible to ignore. He isn't sure if he regrets saying it or not. It's the truth... but he doesn't want to put Yosuke on the spot, either.

Feeling hotter than ever (though truthfully there's only a trace of color in his face), Yu glances down at his hands and nods mutely.

He won't forget. Not after this.

... what can they do to clear the air between them? This strange electric tension that fills the spaces between and around them now... it's not the way things should be, with them.

Yu masters himself enough to look up and respond normally to what Yosuke says. As normally as a statement like that permits, anyway. He looks a bit grim. ]

... it was a lot different from all the confrontations we went through together. [ He drums his fingers on the table thoughtfully. ] Without another "self" to take all those repressed feelings out on, our Shadows turned on other people.

[ Yu frowns deeply, though the way his brow draws up and together makes it more deeply thoughtful than upset. More like quietly bothered. ]

As strange as this may sound... I'm grateful for what happened. [ Yu glances up at the ceiling, his eyes far away. ] Not for involving others, of course, but ... I spent a long time denying things to myself that I needed to face.

[ Their Shadows did turn on other people. That was the worst part. The things he's said not just to Yu, but to everyone else--to Naoto, to Rei...even Minato. While there was definite truth in them, they were twisted and exaggerated to show the most malicious side of his feelings and shortcomings. He's thoroughly embarrassed by it. And a little ashamed he still has kept some things so close that they could boil over and hurt others.

Rei, especially. What he'd told her...

...

It would've been better if they got to face their own Shadows again, wouldn't it? Then they could have stopped it.

But then they also wouldn't have--

I'm grateful for what happened. ]

Huh?

[ It breaks Yosuke out of his thoughts with a confused frown. What does he mean?

I spent a long time denying things to myself that I needed to face.

Ah...denial. That's a word that Yosuke doesn't want to entertain at all. Because denial would mean that there's something there to deny rather than just being totally off base. What his own Shadow had said to Yu, parts of it he knows are true. Yu has always been different. He never wanted him to go. He has to own up to getting a sad sense of satisfaction knowing that at least he can be with Yu here. But some of the other things are less easy to comprehend.

Or rather, accept. ]

...Y-Yeah?

[ Yosuke swallows.

Is he going to talk about...about that... ]

...

[ No...it's not just about him.

How can you look up to me as a leader if you know what a failure I am?

What would I do without my bonds? I'd be alone. I can't be alone again.

I'm so needy that I'll accept it no matter what, just to keep you with me. ]

...You're...not a failure, you know...Nobody thinks that.

[ Even if that had been what he meant ... he's not sure if he can be grateful for the secrets they admitted to each other. The feelings that are...

... more than strictly platonic, if he's honest with himself.

In a right state of mind, even he isn't sure he's prepared to face all that. His heart feels torn in two when he so much as thinks about it. It wasn't so long ago he was welcoming back a boy he wasn't completely sure about, but was looking forward to getting to know again ... and now everything's gone so wrong.

He thinks maybe this would be easier if he'd ever dealt with with anything like it before. But ... well, it was his own desire to never date before Cerealia, wasn't it? The empty life he'd led until Inaba, and then deciding he didn't want to leave anyone feeling hurt when he inevitably departed for Tokyo...

That's just it, really. His Shadow had touched on even deeper insecurities. Guilt he's been feeling since the jungle just about five months ago now. Everything he's been hiding even since before Cerealia, though it hadn't been as big of a deal back home.

Sometimes he's so lonely, but the only one enforcing that loneliness now is himself.

His gaze falls to the table, hooded and dark, and he doesn't look up again when he speaks. ]

I know. [ ... ] I...

[ One of his hands curls into a fist, and he withdraws it from the surface of the table, letting it fall into his lap. ]

... this is my job, [ he says softly. ] I know I can't be perfect ... but when I fail, it costs everyone so much more. You all rely on me... I hate being unable to live up to that trust.

[ This is wrenchingly hard to admit. ]

... my real mistake was in thinking I could get by without relying on you guys, too. I won't make it again. [ With somewhat more steadiness. ] I know you'll all do everything you can to make sure I don't stumble.

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