youraffection | [IC] Inbox @ recolle

[ He's stupid, he's sorry. He panicked and he isn't sure if that's what he really wanted or not. The thought of kissing Yu--that's what was happening, right?--it's exciting and scary at the same time. He's never kissed a guy before--never even considered it--and the only time he's kissed a girl was really kind of a huge let down. Is he afraid he won't like it? That he'll be disappointed and realize he can't do this?

Maybe.

He doesn't want to lose this feeling that he has.

So he drags Yu over to the swings and takes the swing next to Yu's. ]

You're on!

[ He sits down, adjusting slightly, before he takes a few steps back to get the swing, well, swinging. ]

[ They'll figure it out. They like each other, they have each other - that won't change, as far as Yu is concerned. Their bond is strong enough now to weather this, whatever comes of tonight; so right now, he's just along for the ride.

The ride that has taken them, of course, to the swings at last. Chuckling, Yu will also kick off, putting his strength into it. He hasn't been on a swing in a long, long time, but you never really forget how it works, do you? His body reacts automatically to what he should be doing, and it makes him laugh outright. ]

Come on! [ Calling to Yosuke from the apex of his swing. Then, as he falls back: ]

You don't really think you can beat me, do you?

[ Them's fightin words. ]

[ Them's definitely fighting words, and Yosuke is competitive enough not to let this opportunity to show up Yu go. He grins, finding some comfort in the relative normalcy of this situation.

He swings harder, leaning as much of his weight as he can into the motion. The bars of the swing set begin to creak as two teenage boys test it's strength. ]

I was awesome at this as a kid! [ He shouts behind him as he swings forward. ] You're gonna be eating your words!

[ It's hard to tell who's winning, really. Both swinging hard, flying up and turning towards the sky. ]

The moon looks huge like this, huh?

[ There's a lot of creaking going on. This old swingset probably isn't used to to teenage boys on the cusp of adulthood putting it through its paces. But test it they will, Yu feeling egged on by Yosuke's natural competitive spirit. He's not a terribly competitive person himself, but it's easy to get swept along in Yosuke's fire. ]

Oh yeah? You'd better be ready to prove it!

[ He puts all his effort into swinging, and has to pull back when he feels the weightlessness that comes with nearly flipping upside down at the apex of his swing. Yikes. Deciding it's fine if Yosuke wins, he just swings normally, watching the moon. ]

It does... pretty amazing, huh?

[ On impulse, once he reaches the top of his next swing, Yu launches himself into space. Given his height and speed, he actually flies quite a ways before hitting the ground running, unable to laugh from being so breathless. He'll turn to face the swing set, surprisingly far behind him, and start back towards it. Though he's beckoning for Yosuke to try the same thing. ]

[ He is so not expecting Yu to do that--it's a little crazy and a little impulsive, two things he wouldn't peg his friend for. But watching Yu do it is really kind of awesome, if a little scary at first. Yosuke's heart is in his throat as Yu is suddenly flying, though he's relieved to see Yu make a landing. ]

Wow, you got some serious air, Yu!

[ It's impressive.

At Yu's beckoning, Yosuke grins, making another couple wide swings and--

--flying he goes! He wants to break Yu's record, get some distance on him--

...Which he does! Almost. Except he doesn't land running like Yu does. Nope, he kind of trips and rolls on himself and gets grass all over his pants.

Oh well. ]

[ Yu is laughing as he trots over to his best friend, helping Yosuke get back to his feet. He'll grin, not hanging on or lingering this time, simply getting Yosuke on his feet and breaking away, moving back to take a seat on one of the swings. This time he keeps his feet planted, using those to rock himself gently back and forth. ]

So did you, [ he adds, with faint humor. ] Though that landing could use some work...

[ For what it's worth, Yosuke laughs too, albeit a little self-deprecatingly. He sighs as Yu pulls him to his feet and looks sadly down at his pants. He liked these jeans... ]

Yeah, you're telling me...

[ He watches Yu take a seat and decides to do the same--except he ends up turned around, sitting in the opposite direction. That way as he swings back and forth--with a little more vigor than Yu--he can look at the other boy. ]

I guess that means you win, since I biffed it.

I won, huh?

[ Yu tilts his head back and smiles thoughtfully at the moon.

It's nice that they can see each other this way. Yu watches Yosuke's face out of the corner of his eye as he swings and suppresses the urge to laugh again. He says quite still and calm himself, mostly just pushing himself idly back and forth on his toes, both of his hands gripping the chains of the swing.

Innocently: ]

So, what's my prize?

[ Yu, that sound suspect. You're cute as hell, but that's suspect.

He really is cute, though, huh? Yosuke has always thought that the twins were attractive--you don't have to be attracted to guys to be able to appreciate it, right? They're tall, good features, wide shoulders, high cheekbones, perfect eyebrows, etc. etc. Yosuke could easily find it in himself to be jealous, and maybe he was a little in the beginning, but he's mostly just learned to appreciate it.

Maybe more than he realized? Honestly, it really hit him when Yu's eyes first changed color. He'd been unable to look away for a long time, not to notice them, and somehow they just...fit. He's into it.

Yeah, he's into it.

So as innocent the not-so-innocent question is, Yosuke manages to keep looking into Yu's eyes with a challenge in his own. ]

What, you mean more than bragging rights? Man, you're greedy.

[ He pushes himself up a little further and just lets gravity do it's job of swinging him back and forth for a moment. ]

I dunno. We've got that thing tomorrow, so we'll probably be pretty busy all day, huh? Um..

[ Okay, now he looks down at the ground, watching his feet glide slowly over it. ]

I could get you lunch on Sunday...?

[ Would that make it a date? ]

[ You'd probably kill him on the spot if you told him Yosuke actually thought he was attractive. Some of it would be surprise, sure, over Yosuke finding a guy attractive at all - he really had not seemed at all into that concept, initially. But even more than that, somehow, the idea of Yosuke finding him attractive, him specifically, would blow him away.

He's so used to feeling unnoticed. To being outshone by Souji. To being fine with that, because he hasn't got his brother's glow, and that's fine. But for another person to pick out him, Yu, to notice him and think of him in that way...

Yu just can't get used to the concept that other people want him around. No matter how much they try and demonstrate it to him.

But here's Yosuke. Sitting side by side with him on the swings with the moon high over head, and now it really is around 3 AM. They're alone and tired but so alive, and Yosuke wants to be here. With him.

Ain't that something.

Yu's mouth quirks in a fleeting smirk when Yosuke calls him greedy, but he doesn't do anything to dispel the notion. Instead he just listens to what Yosuke has to offer, and god, "lunch on Sunday." That sure sounds like a date, given ... things. Feeling rather soft in the chest, Yu nods. ]

That sounds great. We could go somewhere we haven't been before.

[ They've studied in a lot of cafes around the city...

... they really should talk about this, huh. They haven't yet, and Yu has questions of his own. What is this. What are they? But Yosuke hasn't seemed to want to settle on the topic. Well ... they've got all night, after all. ]

[ Yu's response gets Yosuke to lift his head, looking hopeful. ]

Yeah?

[ His heart thumps against his ribcage. He nods, accepting the acceptance of his proposal. He toes the ground to give himself another push, which subsequently makes him starting to wobble from side to side on the swing. One hand grips the chains while the other rests on his thigh. ]

Great. There's a ton of places we could go.

[ It's fun thinking about possibilities, what ifs and maybes. But he realizes that it's this moment that he's really enjoying the most. This moment with Yu, this playground, this strange time between night and morning. He doesn't really want it to end.

He watches the moonlight in Yu's eyes--whether from the actual moon or just Yu is hard to tell--before letting his gaze drop to his grass-stained knee. (There's only a slight discoloration, a darker grey, since green has been so wonderfully stripped from their world.) ]

Hey, um...

[ He swallows. ]

We're...hanging out right now, yeah?

Your treat, your pick. Surprise me.

[ Warmly. He's honestly really excited. They're going to spend most of the weekend together at this rate... the thought gives him a happy little thrill.

To be honest, Yu has had a really good day from start to finish. Well, "terrifying" eventually turned into "good" when he had reason to hope, and "good" turned into "great" once he and Yosuke were walking down the street holding hands. It's been, all in all, a day of dreams coming true. He graduated high school and gave a speech that wasn't awful in front of a class of his peers. His college plans are set, and he's actually pretty excited about those. He wore stupid glasses and played DDR and now he and the boy he likes are just ... spending time together, on a playground, like they're still kids.

They are, in some ways that matter. And they're not, too, in different ways. They stand on that knife's edge, but they stand there together.

Messing around in the moonlight.

Yu breathes out slow, knowing where this might lead. Yosuke clearly has something on his mind. Best just ... play along, for now? ]

Yeah. And having a pretty good time, I think. [ Glances at Yosuke, thoughtful, a shadow away from a smile. ]

[ He's not sure where he's going with this. No, well, he's actually very sure where he needs to be going with this, what he isn't sure about is how to get there. Accepting that he has feelings for Yu has been one of the biggest hurdles of his life. It's not that Yu is unlikeable--far from it, Yu is awesome and Yosuke has pretty much always thought so once he started getting to know him. Yosuke didn't think he could even be into guys.

Like, ever.

He never thought he had a specific issue with guys liking guys or girls liking girls, he'd just never encountered it in person before. In many ways it was best that he got to know a couple of people before learning about their sexuality, it helped cement the idea that it didn't define who you are.

Which, of course, is difficult for Yosuke to apply to himself. But even when he started to realize that his reactions to Yu had stemmed from jealous that might not be entirely platonic, the real fear came not from within but from without--his family. What would they think? His mom...he's really uncertain. But his dad, well, he's pretty confident that would go south fairly quickly.

What was more important? Being true to himself or avoiding conflict? The latter has been Yosuke's preference for a long time. But once Yu sent him that playlist...it wasn't any longer a possibility, a choice he could avoid as long as he remained ignorant. He had to make a decision.

And there they are. ]

Yeah, [ Yosuke breathes with a tentative smile and a nod. ] We are. I am, I mean.

[ Horsing around, being silly (and a little evasive, he knows). Yu had opened the discussion as soon as they were leaving the school, but Yosuke had been dodging it. He knows its his turn to really bring it back around.]

So...um...is that...is that all we're doing?

[ Ugh, that sounds awful. Yosuke cringes and shakes his head, bringing one hand to his forehead. ]

Sorry, that's really lame--I...I have no idea what I'm saying, haha. I've...

[ Sigh. Okay, take two.

He drops his hand and looks up towards the moon. ]

So there was this girl that I liked about a year ago that I finally got the balls to tell her that I felt that way, right? But I was kinda dropping hints all over the place by hanging out and getting movie tickets and stuff. And she agreed most of the time. I thought we were friends, at least, but when I finally told her how I felt...I totally botched the whole thing and she turned me down. So...

[ So... ]

I...really don't know how to do this without messing it up.

[ To be frank, he isn't worried about his own parents. He has no plans to tell them. And without that, it's not like they'll ever find out. They'd have to put effort into caring about the twins' lives for that to happen.

Not that he's bitter. Why would he be bitter?

No, all he has to worry about is Souji and maybe Ardyn, and he already knows Souji is okay with it. And his uncle... Yu has a feeling Ardyn will be happy as long as he's happy, which is an incredibly, almost painfully, warming thought. He doesn't want to really admit to himself how grateful he is just to know there's a family member that will not only care about his happiness, but encourage his choices. What a thought, huh?

Those are the outside opinions he has to consider, anyway. There's one more opinion that matters most of all, and it belongs to the boy sitting beside him.

Yu watches Yosuke's face as he talks, not really reacting either to the clunky initial question or to the tide of words that follows. He's clearly attentive, his thoughtfulness showing in his expression and his bearing, but he doesn't say anything. Not until Yosuke is done. Even then he assumes his usual silence, the one he always adopts when he's thinking and wants to choose his words carefully.

A breath, and a sigh out. ]

Nothing has to change that you don't want to. [ Soft, clearly said, as if he's choosing each word with care. ] We can keep spending time together and enjoying each other's company, just like we always have. Though... I wouldn't mind holding hands, or...

[ ... he pauses, wondering if Yosuke can see him blushing in the moonlight as he glances away. After clearing his throat, he pulls in a breath and looks at Yosuke directly. ]

I like you. I have for a long time now. I don't really know what I'm doing either, but... it seems to me like all we have to do is whatever we want to do. Isn't that right?

[ Of course Yu is patient and thoughtful, those are two of the qualities that Yosuke likes so much about him. He's not necessarily afraid to say these things to Yu, but he's afraid of not being able to follow through in the end. He wants Yu to know that he isn't great at this, that he tends to mess up, that sometimes he's a disappointment. He's...well, he's only human, but Yu deserves to know that Yosuke has no idea what he's doing.

At all. And it scares him a bit.

So it's Yosuke's turn to be quiet and thoughtful as he watches and listens to the other boy. He isn't surprised at Yu's understanding and willingness to accommodate, either. The implications as his voice trails off gets Yosuke to flush as well, clearly understanding what was left unsaid.

Oh boy..

He's...comforted, in some ways. Yu isn't pushing him to do anything he isn't ready for. ]

Yeah, that's right.

[ But there's something lingering in his chest. Yosuke's gaze drops again. ]

I just--...a couple weeks ago...--a couple weeks ago, I didn't even think that I could...y'know...like another guy. At all.

[ He looks up again, less flustered, but there's clear hints of worry in his eyes and pulling at the edges of his lips. ]

What if I...

[ Can't. ]

... a couple weeks ago I never thought we'd end up sitting here, side by side, talking like this.

[ He's terrified of saying the wrong thing. Of failing Yosuke's expectations and needs, of not being enough and ruining this before it starts.

But... they like each other. They do. That's all that matters, isn't it? Please... let him get this right. ]

We're both discovering new things. About each other, and ourselves. The me of a few months ago... wouldn't have sent you that playlist.

[ Looking down, eyes narrowed in seriousness. ]

But I did. I was able to... thanks to my friends. To you.

[ He looks up at Yosuke again, searching. ]

... we're going to make mistakes. But we'll work through them together. If ... we're scared, or not sure ... we'll lean on each other. Alright?

[ Yosuke looks up slowly as Yu begins. His own insecurities feel like the biggest road block of all, but Yu has his own, doesn't he? Being aware of one's sexuality doesn't make you anymore confident or ready to put yourself out there. It's tough.

Yu's pretty tough.

And he's changed, Yosuke can tell that much. He has definitely opened up more from when they first met, and not just to Yosuke. It's nice to see and even nicer to be a part of. So when their eyes meet, Yosuke's look a little less uncertain. Nervous, yes, but...whatever is going on between them, Yu is his friend, first and foremost. And that's exactly what Yosuke needs. And maybe that's what Yu needs too.

A small huff through his nose as Yosuke toes the ground, but his eyes remain on Yu's face. He pushes his foot down and pivots his ankle, causing his swing to twirl a little bit, swaying to and fro. ]

Alright.

[ He nods in agreement. ]

I'm glad you're my friend.

[ A small smile sneaks out, warmth spreading throughout his chest at the memory. ]

That playlist...really threw me for a loop, y'know.

[ Compared to Yosuke's small movements, Yu is fairly still. What restlessness in him is hidden in his hands; they shift on the chains, occasionally making them clink. And he is feeling restless; he's still scared out of his mind. But Yosuke looks at him, and he tries to still his heartbeat. It's going to be okay. It's going to be. ]

I'm glad you're mine, [ he'll whisper, soft and shy.

A smile flickers across his lips, and he'll glance away again, staring at the divots his toes have dug into the ground. ]

... it took me a while to make up my mind on whether or not to send it to you. At least two weeks. I...

[ ... ]

I thought I was seeing things... or, just imagining what I wanted to imagine? But... I was hoping you felt the same way. So I thought I'd make another playlist, and express my feelings to you that way. If ... you'd wanted to let me down, it would have been easy enough to do.

[ A faint laugh, somewhat nervous and self-deprecating. ]

... but you didn't.

[ Yu looks at him. Really looks at him again, that intense look from earlier back on his face. ]

Yosuke, will you ... will you go out with me?

Two weeks...?

[ He's a little surprised to hear that. Two weeks ago was...around prom, wasn't it? When Yosuke made his big fuss and realized that he was most definitely jealous when he thought that Yu and Karkat were dating. Even at the time he knew his reasoning was shit, but he hadn't fully understood the implications of his tantrum until later that weekend.

Letting him down...yeah, Yosuke figured that he could have just feigned ignorance in regards to the playlist, but would have really been able to in the long run? He isn't the best actor, really. It might have seemed like the easy out, but Karkat's advice, however gruffly worded, played in his mind...

In this hypothetical situation, by the way, which would be worse: Knowing that your dad may or may not be disappointed in you or living a terrible, shitty lie.

Yosuke looks back at Yu.

...but you didn't.

No, he didn't.

He made his choice. And he's presented with another.

Yosuke knows what's coming, the topic that they've been dancing around since he picked Yu up. (Really, it was Yosuke doing most of the dancing and Yu just being his patient self, waiting for Yosuke to come around, which he eventually did.) He knows what's coming, but it doesn't make him anymore prepared to actually hear those words.

...will you go out with me?

Yosuke straightens in the seat of the swing, shoulders raising slightly and expression softening despite himself. His heart is going a mile a minute, his skin suddenly feeling impossibly warm. The intensity of Yu's gaze nearly knocks him off the swing itself, but his grip on the chains keeps him in place.

This could be the moment where he draws the line. He could say that he likes Yu, but he's not ready. He could say that the whole guy thing just won't work out in the end. He could just say that he doesn't want to lose Yu's friendship at the expense of this, but...

...this...the past, what, hour or so?

Has just been awesome. He's been on a high ever since graduation. Every text made him smile. Yu makes him smile. And he has for a while.

He just has to let it happen. ]

...Y-Yeah!

[ His voice cracks. Of course it does.

Way to ruin the moment.

Yosuke quickly covers his mouth and feels a lot less cool than all the introspective thoughts that were going through his head. ]

Yosuke.

[ His voice comes out rough. God. Weeks. Months of being scared.

I guess the question is, how ok are you with never telling him?

I'm fine with it. I'd rather treasure our friendship than have nothing.

His heart feels too big for his chest, pounding at the bars of his ribcage like it's trying to force its way out. Out up into his throat, perhaps, where it could stop him from breathing, stop him from thinking right. Yosuke is looking up at him, bright, beautiful Yosuke, staring at him with a tense posture but a soft expression and saying--

--saying--

yes. Saying yes.

They're going to be a couple. They are a couple.

Without thinking Yu's hand reaches out, finding one of Yosuke's and curling around it, hand over hand over chain. He wants Yosuke close, so much closer, but he won't get up, not now, not and risk breaking this spell. Risk pulling them out of this world where Yosuke likes him and wants to be his boyfriend.

Just thinking the word makes heat race up his neck, and it's Yu's turn to swallow and glance away, feeling awkward. But eventually he'll unstick his lungs and try: ]

I-- uh-- good. I...

[ .... ah .... that wasn't cool at all. The cool thing to say would've been "I'll make you happy, I swear" or something...

Ready to burst at the seams from his nerves, Yu just abruptly starts to laugh. What a pair they are, squeaking nervously at each other. ]

[ Hearing Yu say his name like that--god. That'll do things to him.

The next thing he knows, they're closer. A lot closer, his swing jerking a bit by the sudden motion. But there's warmth in Yu's hand now settled on his. Yosuke's fingers unconsciously tighten around the chain. His other hand moves from his mouth to reach out and grab one of the chains on Yu's spring, if at least to help steady them both.

Yu, wonderful, thoughtful Yu, who may not always know what to say, but hearing him actually stammer like Yosuke is prone to is something new.

Yu laughs and so does Yosuke, eyes crinkling at the edges as they both giggle helplessly through their nervousness.

It's such a perfectly imperfect moment. ]

...Guess this is why it's easier to let the music talk for us, huh?

[ His knees bump Yu's, now that they're both facing each other. Though the swings rock slightly, he finally places his toes on the ground to keep them in place. ]

[ How is Yosuke always so warm? Warm hands, warn fingers, warm arms, always warmth surrounding him. It's like being surrounded by the sun. It should get overbearing, so much light and heat, but Yu's finding it's only to easy to settle into it. Yosuke's light isn't a harsh light, after all. No, it just ... makes him feel safe.

Yosuke grasps the chain of his swing, and Yu feels his heart skip, his chest squeezing with anticipation and nerves. Without even thinking he'll lean in a little, closing just a bit of the gap between them before pausing. ]

... that might be why.

[ At least that gets his voice unstuck.

He leans in a little more. ]

... Yosuke ... this time, can I ... ?

[ He won't do it without Yosuke's permission. ]

[ It's happening again.

They're getting closer. But this time, he's ready. He knows what's going on between them, what they're going to try to do together. They've both shared some of their fears and promised to support each other through whatever happens. Yosuke is still nervous, of course he is, but...

He's ready.

Yu leans in a little and Yosuke's stomach flips. He swallows, his tongue darting out to subconsciously lick his bottom lip.

Yu leans in a little more, then stops--and asks. He could go for a hollywood moment and just go for it, but no, Yu asks because Yosuke has been so dodgy of his clear intentions earlier. Yu cares more about Yosuke's comfort..

That makes it way better.

He swallows again and nods gently. ]

Yeah...

[ His voice comes out more breath than sound, but it sounds loud to his own ears. And to show his resolve, Yosuke finally leans in towards Yu, closing the distance between them. ]

[ Their lips touch, and Yu lets his eyes slip shut. For maybe the first time in days, his heart knows peace.

What counts as a magical first kiss? Does sitting on the swings of playground beneath the bright, shining moon count? Yosuke's mouth pressed against his - god, and he wanted to, Yosuke leaned in - makes his stomach swoop, makes his whole chest explode with sparks. Is this what people mean when they talk about "fireworks"? He'd always imagined picturing them, as silly as that was. But there's nothing in his mind's eye now. He's too busy experiencing, too busy feeling. Too busy kissing Yosuke. His boyfriend.

His hand tightens on Yosuke's, and he tilts his head slightly to make the kiss that much more perfect.

Yeah... yeah-- as far as first kisses go, this is pretty perfect. ]

[ It certainly counts as a magical first kiss to Yosuke.

Is it bad that he was worried he wouldn't like it? That there would be something inherently strange about Yu's lips that would scream "GUY" in Yosuke's mind and make him turn away? His boldness is rooted in the moment, not wanting to continue to beat around the proverbial bush any longer. He's made his choice.

And he's not upset at all. Yu's lips are surprisingly soft and surprisingly warm, a warmth that spreads down the back of Yosuke's neck and then throughout his entire torso. Could something so simple really change him so completely in a matter of seconds? It seems so.

It's not weird at al. It's...it's just kind of amazing.

Yu adjusts the angle and Yosuke feels butterflies in his stomach. He lets out an unintentional huff, a laugh he stifles by pressing his lips back against Yu's more fully.

He can do this. No, he's doing this.

He's kissing this guy.

And he thinks he likes it. ]

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